Cave Johnson, CEO

It would seem that some of the lab boys have actually managed to, as per my request, create a combustible lemon. This picture is from a live feed at our incendiary housing testing facility, but no word as to whether or not it works.

Ironically, the lab boys have dubbed them “lemon-nades,” so there’s that. Hopefully they think their little joke was worth losing their jobs over (and, if this ends up working out, their houses as well).

Okay, yes, we have been running a little short on test subjects. And funds. And there aren’t as many bums lying around, either. So yes, we’re being a bit generous with our “selective testing requirements” and literally taking all we can get, but not to fret! As CEO of Aperture Science, I, Cave Johnson, will personally see to it that each and every one of you gets what you deserve - an unprecedented windfall of sixty dollars. Cash. Or cake. Whichever suits your fancy.

It would appear that some of the lab boys have been having fun with the newest wing of our facility, so we decided to put it to good use - any employee and/or test subject that behaves in a way we deem to be inappropriate here at Aperture, such as the gentlemen mentioned earlier, will be sentenced to solitary confinement. In there. For a year.

Hi, Cave Johnson here. If you’ve ever been able to afford a tour of our facility, you might have run into one of our brand new, state-of-the-art Personality Cores. Now, maybe you might have said to yourself, “Cave, these are an abomination to humanity as we know it,” “How dare you play God and attempt to recreate intelligent life,” or “Where can I get one?” 

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Nano-Personality Cores. This is the same technology we input into our regular personality cores, and whether you like space, adventure, false trivia, or even if you’re a moron, we’ve got just the core for you. Guaranteed. Maybe.

Cave Johnson, we’re done here.

The lab boys have asked me to try and reach out to future testers, saying that we actually managed to scare off any and all previous testers. They’re also telling me I shouldn’t mention scaring off prior testers, claiming that this will scare off our future testers as well. But what the hell do they know about bravery? Not like they even do anything around here other than sitting behind their desks adjusting each other’s bras all damn day.

Anyways, welcome to Aperture! You’re here because we want the best, and we got them, but they wussed out, so you’re the next best thing!

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